So my sister went to the library...

...to get books for her four year old daughter. Like any unsuspecting parent would do, she let her daughter go to the children's section to pick out books. This has become an every Tuesday ritual for them, they typically get enough books to make it through a weeks worth of bedtime stories.

Well this weeks selection held a bit of a surprise for my sister. Imagine, if you will, what the story in a book called "Mommy Laid an Egg" would be about?

There is no easy way to describe this book so I have scanned the pages that I found to be the most informative. Before you look at the pictures I feel like it is only fair to tell you how the books starts...

It is innocent enough. Mommy and Daddy decide to tell little Jane & Johnny about where babies come from. We then go through about twelve pages of the normal childhood explanations, such as: sugar and spice, all things nice, slugs and snails, puppy dogs' tails, delivery by dinosaur, baked from cookie dough, found under a rock, squeezed from a tube, grown from a seed and hatched from an egg. OK, so some of these I had never heard before but they had wonderfully cute water color illustrations so I just went with the flow of the story. This part of the book ends with the "egg" exploding and babies shooting out (click on any image to view larger).

All is very simple and fairy tale like up to this point and then the kids decide to get serious and tell their parents the truth. Rather than describe these to you I will let you see for yourself.

First we learn about the basic anatomy of both mommy and daddy.

Then we get to see how they work together. I am curious as to why daddy's "seed pods" are so small in comparison to his "tube."

How DO they work together? Can you show me? Why, yes, I can. Thank you for asking.

Well first off you might want to try the old standard, what I like to call "Skateboard Sex." It is not as difficult as you might think. Look at how much fun mommy and daddy are having.

After you have mastered "Skateboard Sex" and "Circus Sex" you might want to move onto something a bit more complicated like "Hot Air Balloon Sex." Don't worry about daddy, he is not as frightened as he looks, he is just concentrating very hard on getting his tube into mommy's tube.

For the grand finale you might want to try "Space Hopper Sex." Daddy must do this one a lot to be able to do it no handed like that.

Once all the acrobatics are done the newly planted "seeds" must race their way to the egg so that we can make the baby! Swim boys, swim!!

Apparently there is a winner in this race. Is it the one that doesn't speak Ebonics? And do the "losers" really turn around and swim out? Where is the illustration to show us how the losers run down the inside of Mommy's leg? And who is that woman waiting to catch them?

The next few pages in the book show you how Mommy goes from being slightly round to completely HUGE ( I will spare you the pictures, by now we know they will not be pretty).

When Mommy is big enough...

So tell me, do you feel like you have a pretty good grasp of how this process works? If you were a child would this clear it up for you?

My nieces responses: "Tubes, yeah, right."

I'm Back!

I am certain that what limited readership I had is now gone due to my inactivity so I guess I will post this just for the sake of posting my thoughts. If you are reading it, Thank you.

The past 6 months have been crazy. I started a new job on January 3rd and I feel like I haven't slept since. We have gone through so many changes that I have lost track of most of them. The most exciting, by far, has to be a complete infrastructure overhaul. We now have ALL new computers, monitors, server, backup system, wiring, router, and everything else. Clean start - not only did we upgrade all of the technology but we replaced the furniture as well. It is freaking awesome. I have spent the last month rearranging, assembly and installing software/hardware. I love the result but it has been tiring. Like having two full time jobs. One doing the production management and day to day client care and one as IT support. Tomorrow we go live on our new network and I can go back to sleeping at night.

Outside of work, what little time I spend there, has been just as crazy. My son joined the military in December and shipped off to basic training at the beginning of April and my daughter just finished her last year of junior high. They are so grown up. It is awe inspiring to look at them now. They aren't supposed to be this old yet. They aren't supposed to have their own lives yet. They should be more dependent on me. How come they don't realize this?

I have so much more to write but I need to get some sleep. I have an early start and a very long day ahead of me tomorrow. I miss posting here though, so I will be a more frequent writer from now on.

G'night.

Christmas Memories.

Well, Christmas is over and I wish I could say it was wonderful but I would be lying. It was "mostly" great but no where in the neighborhood of wonderful.

I do have some good memories though and mostly they were captured on film. I forgot to bring the disc with the rest of the photos on it with me today but I do have this picture - I took it and framed it as a gift to each of my kids. It only took an hour and a half and half a box of Milk bone dog treats to get this picture!

Merry Christmas - From Rudy & Henry!

Missin' the Kissin'

Last night I started taking an inventory of all of the things that I miss about having a "roommate." I guess mine wasn't really a roommate situation but more of a "we don't know how we are supposed to act so we should definitely still behave like a couple most of the time. This will make it easier and ultimately make it much more complicated than it needs to be" situation. If that makes sense to you then you are ahead of the game. I am still a bit baffled by how we could do that for so long. Don't get the wrong idea. It was not all bad, in fact it was mostly terrific. Here I was living with someone who I should for all intents and purposes be bitterly mad at but I thoroughly enjoy both him and our friendship so what's a girl to do?

So here I was taking this inventory. Mostly in hopes of putting together a list of all the things that I LOVE about living alone but my plan back fired on me terribly. Instead of feeling better about the solitude I started to feel worse. I realized that while "pretending" to be a couple wasn't necessarily healthy it did provide me the best of both worlds. I like to share things. I like to talk about my day and have someone else tell me about theirs. I like to share the chores and the mundane daily tasks. Along with this, I am a VERY tactile person. I love to snuggle. I love to kiss and be hugged. I like having someone who feels the need to rub their hand along my back when they walk past me, even if it is just out of impulse. I had all of these things and a best friend rolled into one.

By now you are asking yourself "If it was so great why is she not still with this person." Well, recently a friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend. I asked what went wrong. He gave me one of the best answers I have ever heard. What's more - it fit my situation PERFECTLY. He said "Our inner demons refused to get along and play nice." Well there you have it, in a nut shell, why I am single.

So, back to my inventory...

I realized that kissing is one of the things I miss the most. All of the kissing. The "good morning" peck on the forehead. The kiss "good-bye, see you later." The kiss on the back of the neck that said "thank you for cooking dinner." The "boy you are silly and gullible" kiss on my cheek. The "are you thinking what I am thinking" kiss on the more passionate side of life. All of them. I miss them all. Even if they never really had all the love and passion that should have backed them up. I still miss them.

What's a girl to do? In my moment of weakness and self pity I decided to do the one thing that would cheer me up and quite possible find that needle in the hay stack - a man who wants to fill the kissing void. I posted an ad on Craigslist. (Don't judge me - I REALLY don't want to pay any of the online dating sites. I am not ready for that quite yet so a quick fix was necessary).

Anyway - while the ad on CL was not my proudest moment it did succeed in breaking me out of my funk. Not because I found a tremendous amount of likely candidates but because the emails are SOOOOOO ridiculous. In order to demonstrate my point I will first tell you what my ad said:

"Kissing"

"I need a kiss. I just got out of a relationship and am not looking to jump into anything but I really miss the kissing. I am looking for someone who I click with who wants to do nothing more than that. I can hold a conversation, I think I am funny, I am tall and height/weight proportionate. I have good hair and good teeth. Want to know more? Just ask. I will tell you anything you want to know.

We will need to have chemistry, so for the sake of narrowing my search I will give you the things I am typically attracted to. Here goes:

Tall - over 6 feet
Average to muscular build
No long hair or facial hair
Non-smokers only
Smart & funny

Last but not least, the ability to write an email that is more than one sentence, has capital letters and uses punctuation."

Simple, to the point, not too demanding, right? I thought it was an OK post. I didn't include a bulleted list of all the things that I REALLY like in a man or all the things that I absolutely won't tolerate. I even left off "Must have good, clean teeth." This is a big one for me. I am OK with crooked but if I can see the plaque on them I am out. Ewwww, gross.

A brief overview of my responses:

- 23 in total
- 3 pictures included. Two were of the guy who emailed and one was a random picture of lips.
- 1 asshole lecturing me on the two typos I had in my post. Funny that he had at least 4 misspelled words in his email, not including the half a dozen intentionally incorrect words that he used to try to make his point.

Here is a cross section of the replies I have received in the past 12 hours:

Mr. Robberts said, "sure! would you like to chat?" Yes, that was the sum total of his email. Brilliant.

Mr. Anderson was much more wordy. In fact I am not sure what ad he was responding to because it certainly was not mine. You can view his response here.

Anonymous Emailer #1 said, "ru real or phony?" I could ask him the same thing. Good job on the complete sentences though!! Your mother should be proud.

Jeremy said, "I know how you feel."

Mr Lubrant is the guy who told me off for my typos. To read his PERFECT email click here!

Anonymous Emailer #2 said, "got to try this-----see if you get past the 1st sentence--in this format you should use anything available to make a point----" This one falls under the "things that make you go mmmmm" category.

Mr. Sadrai decided to quote e.e. cummings in his email. You have to read this one.

Anonymous Emailer #3 said, "Hi there, I am a married 25 year old attractive white mail. I am well endowed endowed, and looking for some hot discreet fun. If interested get back to me. Pic 4 pick." I am confused. What does the size of his johnson have to do with his ability to kiss? And if you are ONLY 25 and already unhappy in your marriage then you should get the hell out. WTF???

Mr. Billingsley said, "Hey! How are you sweetie? Wanted to let you know that you are beautiful adn I would love to get to know you better. If you are interested let me know. Here are few ways to get to learn more about me and check out some photos." He then included the link to his business website and his myspace page. Funny how I did NOT include my picture in my ad and yet he thinks he knows how beautiful I am. C'mon buddy, get a clue.

Mr. Ford said, "I also love to kiss, it seems that a good kiss is capable of of insulating us from all our cares, and giving us a special "high" unlike any other. That being said, I personally lack the confidence to harbor any notions of being selected as your partner. I would however, like to submit this picture. I do wish you well, d." The picture he included was a random shot of lips. I was especially intrigued by his overwhelming self confidence. So very attractive. I guess I should give him credit for trying but holy crap dude.

Anonymous Emailer #4 said, " If you pick me,will you wear a kinda tight casmere sweater ?" He actually wrote more then this but this was the best part of his email.

Brad wrote, " Hi there, How are you doing? You sound very interesting and appear to be a very good looking lady. I am very interested into you. I LOVE Short hair." Hmmmm, again, I DID NOT POST A PICTURE - and hey buddy, I don't have short hair!

There were more responses then this and they just keep coming. I would like to thank the few guys who wrote quite thoughtful emails that were not smarmy.

I started this whole thing by trying to put together a list of things I liked about living alone. I then got side tracked into making a list of all of the things I miss about not living alone. The ad I posted on CL was done in a moment of desperation and depression by a woman whose life is in a flux right now. I had it in my head that I would feel better if I could just find someone to fill the void. Well I didn't find someone through CL (not that I had any real expectations of doing so) but I did find something better. I found out that I am not ready to let another man into my life.

So for now I will just try to be happy with what I have and not dwell on the little things that I feel like I am missing. I will get used to it eventually, right? God, I hope so.

But - if anyone reading this knows any cute, tall, funny, SMART, single men who want to spend an evening having good conversation and/or kissing a cute, tall, funny, SMART, single woman - let me know!!

Too Many Pictures? Really? Can there be?

Henry - SOOOO freaking cute.


The Boys are learning to get along.


Henry is going to outgrow Rudy soon. Then the real trouble will begin!

Today's Favorite Musician - Grace Potter & the Nocturnals

I heard them on Pandora today. I LOVE them. Her voice is amazing.

One Laptop Per Child

I had heard about One Laptop Per Child program a while ago but had never really checked it out before today. A friend of mine, Aaron Landry, donated one through the Give One, Get One program and received his a few days ago. While I have not seen it he did a nice post on his blog giving the details of the new laptop. Inspired by Aaron, today I went to the site and donated a laptop on behalf of my children. I think this is a brilliant program. I encourage any and all of you to think about getting involved.

Clock Watching.

I am in a transition period with my job at the moment, I am technically still a sales person (Account Manager, as it were) with my company but have been offered a promotion. My new job title with be Digital Sales Analyst. This means I will be working with the national team of nerds that dig the electronic aspect of what we do as much as I do.

NOTE: For those of you who do not know what I do, I am in Litigation Support. This is a fancy way to say that I do document management for law firms, mostly pertaining to large document productions to be used for litigation purposes. If it is documentation that needs to be shared, whether in paper or electronic format, I can help you share it. I love what I do. I love the industry I am in. It is a different beast then most of the other careers out there. There is no college, vocational or accredited schooling for what I do. It is very niche. It does help if you are either a) a tree hugger or b) a computer geek. I am a bit of one and a lot of the other.

So anyway, back to my point. I am currently in a sales position. I love the meeting people aspect of it but I am not very good at the hounding clients for meetings and then keeping on them until they send us a project. I have been an operations manager in this industry for the past 6.5 years and this is definitely a change of pace for me to be in sales. But as I said, I love the industry, so I thought I would give it a shot.

The new job that I have been offered is a promotion. I will be working with MANY (like 30) office in my region to help them find more efficient ways to do things, effectively manage their projects, find appropriate business partners when necessary and assign tasks to our internal resources. It is a combination of project management, technical support, and customer relations all rolled into one.

The problem is that I was not happy with the offer they gave me for the new position. It comes with a salary and a bonus structure. The bonus structure is based on a set of criteria that are completely out of my control. While I will be in a role that will allow me to help folks to more thoroughly understand what they need to know I will have no control over whether they do their jobs or not. I am not really OK with my bonus being dependent on the O/I or Total Revenue generated. It is a crap shoot. I work in a cyclical industry where there are months when the revenue stinks. So, I went back and counter offered the salary. My new boss is traveling for work right now and does not have time to discuss it with me until Thursday.

Meanwhile I am not really digging the idea of making cold calls to clients who I will then have to hand off to someone else and I have already followed up with the clients I already work with.

What to do? Watch the freaking clock, that is what!

A trip to PetSmart with the Boys or "The Great Weigh-In"

I have taken to bringing the boys with me when I go to buy their food. Mainly because I can and secondly because I think Rudy needs more exposure to other dogs. I like taking them there because there is a veterinary clinic on site and their scale is available even when its staff is not.

The first time I took Henry to PetSmart was on November 20th. Three days after we picked him up. He weighed in at a whopping 1.9 lbs. He was itty, bitty, to say the least. I am averaging a trip to PetSmart every 10 or 12 days now. Here are the results:

November 20th (pre-Rudy):

• Henry - 1.9 lbs
  

December 8th:

• Henry - 4.6 lbs
  
• Rudy - 9.9 lbs
  

December 15th:

• Henry - 5.4 lbs
  
• Rudy - 10.2 lbs
  

I can't believe that Henry has almost tripled his body weight since I got him. He was so tiny. He is still pretty small but he has also grown at least 3 inches in the length from the tip of his nose to the base of his tail.

Friday Night Humor! Dinosaur Comics.

By Ryan North @ www.qwantz.com

Lab Results Are In.

So apparently I am deficient in my B-12. Funny to have a Doctor ask me if I am a vegan/vegetarian. I laughed out loud. I think my chart my mention my MANY allergies to fruit and vegetables about 2,000 times!

My B-12 deficiency falls under the "dangerous and severe" category so I will have to go in for a shot, or two. Seems simple.

Never having dealt with this issue before I did a bit of research on the topic. Here is a list of symptoms for those of you wondering. Notice how similar it is to the list of Hypothyroid symptoms. There are some new and improved ones on this list - like prematurely greying hair. Now I have an actual culprit for my increasing amount of white hair. Or at least a good scapegoat!

Symptoms can include:

• Lack of appetite, weight loss of 10-15 pounds in about 50% of patients, due to lack of appetite
• Low-grade fever
• Anemia
• Half of all patients have a smooth tongue which may may be painful and red. Burning and soreness on the tongue may also be accompanied by changes in taste and loss of appetite.
• Constipation or several semisolid bowel movements daily
• Numbness and tingling in hands and feet
• Nausea, vomiting, heartburn
• Flatulence, diarrhea
• Sense of fullness, abdominal pain
• Fatigue, weakness
• Pale skin, pallor, lemon-yellow waxy appearance to the skin
• Impaired smell
• Bleeding gums
• Shortness of breath
• Headache
• Ringing in the ears (tinnitus)
• Loss of bladder control
• Impotence
• Clumsiness and unsteady gait (worse in the dark)
• Irritability, personality changes, memory loss
• Delusions, hallucinations
• Premature whitening of the hair
• Rapid heartbeat

Sorry to turn my site into "Hypochondriacs-R-Us" but I figure some of this information may be helpful to someone other than me.

Enjoy! Happy Friday!

Crazy Joe Strikes Again.

You have to read this freaking email! I posted an earlier example of an email from him but this one may be even better. If anyone can give me a solid psychological diagnosis I would love to know what you think.

2,597 words! Really? Just nuts, very nuts!

Another_Psycho_Joe_Email.doc

Crabby, Crab, Crab.

Why do I want to go back to bed so badly? I just can't concentrate on anything. I don't want to deal with clients, I don't want to help my co-workers, I don't want to answer emails, and if I am forced to be polite to one more rude person I will have to scream.

I truly am not fit for human consumption today. I am crabby, irritable and completely unstable. I feel very sorry for the folks around me. Please let me make it through the day without any big disasters.

Health Update.

I know you are waiting with bated breath to find out if I am falling apart or not. Well you will not be losing me anytime soon. I have tendinitis & Carpal Tunnel in my wrist (although they are going to re-evaluate the Carpal Tunnel because the original diagnosis was so long ago) and will have to visit an Occupational Therapist twice a week for exercise instruction and therapy.

As for the Charlie Horses - which, in case you are wondering is NOT something that is a recognized diagnosis in the CPT (Current Procedural Terminology) world - are believed to be caused by my thyroid (TSH) levels being completely wiggy. We will find out if this is true once my levels are normal.

If you are wondering just what your thyroid does you should look it up and if you have a fully functioning thyroid you should say a little thanks to it every day. Your thyroid is a gland that produces hormones. Thyroid hormones help the body make energy, keep body temperature regulated and assist other organs in their function.

Some of the symptoms of Hypothyroidism are:

• Fatigue - Constant need to nap, always feel worn out? Yep, me too.
  
• Depression - Crazy crying at Hallmark commercials? May not be PMS!!
  
• Modest weight gain - Modest? My ass - I have gained 28 pounds in the last 8 months!
  
• Cold intolerance - Below 72 degrees? Get me out of here.
  
• Excessive sleepiness - Did I mention I need a nap?
  
• Dry, coarse hair - This sucks with the curls - makes them harder to deal with.
  
• Constipation - Well, what can I say?
  
• Dry skin - I own stock in Neutrogena!
  
• Muscle cramps - Did I mention the Charlie Horses?
  
• Increased cholesterol levels - I have been lucky on this one. So far, so good.
  
• Decreased concentration - And I thought is was my ADD.
  
• Vague aches and pains - I truly thought that those "vague" pains were because of Oliver!
  
• Swelling of the legs - Well, doesn't this come with the "modest weight gain?"
• Hoarse or gravely voice - I am starting to sound like "That Girl"
  
• Can't remember things - What is that actress's name that plays "That Girl?"
  
• Need to yawn to get oxygen - Breathing through you nose is for sissy's!
  
• Tinnitus (ringing in ears) - Is that the door bell?
  
• Restless - Hold on, I will be right back.
  
• Moods change easily - Wow, what a beautiful day!
  

There are actually several more that could be listed here as well but these are the primary ones. It sucks, it's hereditary and I have it. Yea! for me!

Charlie Horses STILL Suck.

Day two of the Charlie Horse from Hell! My right leg is killing me. The only thing keeping me going is that I get to go to the doctor after work. I am not going for the C.H's (as I like to call them) but I will add them to my list.

Website Color Updates. What a Pain!

I got it in my head that I wanted a new palette for Ye Olde Website. Seemed like a bright idea. I have grown tired of the old one in the three short weeks I have had it. I searched around the web for a palette site that would give me what I wanted. Pretty colors with lots of contrast for easy viewing. It took me the better part of two days to find the one I went with. I love it. Let me know what you think?

As for the palettes sites - well I was familiar with Colourlovers.com but couldn't find one on there that I liked. I found Color Palette Generator in my searches and thought is was pretty cool but a pain in the ass because you have to have the image hosted online in order to make it work. On the site with the Color Palette Generator it has a link to Colorhunter.com which is FREAKING AWESOME! This is the site I finally used. It lets you upload your own photos to it and generates both the vibrant and dull palettes.

I uploaded this picture of the Weisman Museum and got the basics for the palette you are seeing. I did change a few of the colors but only a touch. I love ColorHunter! I think I uploaded just about every picture on my computer.

I am the best cook ever!

Of simple but good meals, anyway. For dinner I made a roasted chicken, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, stuffing and gravy! It was fantastic. The Tryptophan is kicking in now and I want to sleep!

I tried to find a better way.

Some of you know that I belong to Meetup.com. I have organized some quite successful groups on there in the past three years. I can currently boast about having 3 of the largest 10 Meetup groups in Minnesota. I would be wrong if I didn't point out that currently I don't do a heck of a lot in the way of actual organization - I have WONDERFUL assistant organizers that do all of the work.

I have had folks ask me over the last few years whether or not I have run into any weird people on there. Well the answer is a resounding yes. There are many of them but I find that the awesome people outweigh them substantially. It is really too bad though that occasionally one of the crazies decides to stand out in the crowd.

There is one in particular that we call "Psycho Joe." We have a long catalog of stories about him even though very few of us have ever met him. I know a few people who have met him and they describe him as a "somewhat shy, awkward kind of guy." Well you would never know that he was shy from his emails. I have decided to share his most recent with you fine readers (I think there are two of you now!).

I was going to link a PDF into this post so that you could read it without my post being 20 pages long but I am technologically retarded today so here is the text from his email. It is almost 2,000 words long but well worth the read. I am interested in the diagnosis you would give him.

For your enjoyment:

To:	diningout-213-announce@meetup.com
Subject:	[diningout-213] Raising Hell! (Recap of Hairball event at the Blue Fox)
Date:	Tue, 9 Oct 2007 13:02:02 -0400 (EDT)

(Impersonates voice of "K Billy Bob, Radio DJ, from the motion picture "Resevoir Dogs")

"Hello, and you are tuned to a very special weekend edition of K Belly Bob's "Sounds of The 80s, "bang your head" Heavy Metal Hour" . Since we are on the subject of hair metal rock let's tap into a very special year of mine for all you Twins Fans, 1987. The year is 1987, the antidepressant Prozac is introduced, a gallon of gas was 89 cents,Twins win their first world series championship, and Tawny Kitian is strutting her stuff in the latest Whitesnake video "Still of The Night" with her much too older looking "BO" David Coverdale, lead singer of Whitesnake. I still think he looks like he's 50 even back then.

Don't forget the tenth caller gets free tickets to see "The Meetup" Guy in his long awaited Karaoke Around Town next month at Elsie's Bar and Grill in NE Minneapolis. More details pending after our first of a long stretch of Metal hits from Whitesnake, Guns N Roses, and AC/DC.

Anyway, this shout out goes to the Mpls Dining Out/Having Fun Group" of the Meetup.com whose love for nylon cuout spandex pants, long hair, and continuous hair metal rock was felt last Saturday Night at The Fox.

Here's to you all who attended, Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!"

(DJ sound bite from Insane Clown Posse's "Madhouse" )

"Welcome, welcome, to the MADHOUSE!"

(Intro to Whitesnake's "Still of The Night")

"In the still of the night
I hear the wolf howl, honey
Sniffing around your door
In the still of the night
I feel my heart beating heavy
Telling me I gotta have more

Now I just wanna get close to you
An taste your love so sweet
And I just wanna make love to you
Feel your body heat..."

(Meetup Organizer does the supporting vocals) In THE SITLL OF THE NIGHT......STILL OF THE NIGHT...STILL OF THE NIGHT!

Even though I was dissapointed Hairball swung and miss from hits coming from Whitesnake but its this type of music and "Hairball" rocking mayhem that we encountered.

(Insert movie quote "Waynes World")

Wayne: No way!

Garth: Way!

It's funny that I threw in a Wayne's World quote in there because the band "Hairball" was reminiscent of the various band scenes from Crucial Taunt, the fictional hair 80s metal rock group from the early 90s SNL comedy classic.

(Insert movie quote "Wayne's World")

Garth: "That bassplayer is a babe, she makes me feel kind of funny, like when we used to climb the roof in gym class"

Except in Hairball there was no female lead singer, just a "Flock of Seagirls" desiring to rush on stage decked out like Madonna and Pat Benatar to be with this Midwest 80s Hair Metal monstrosity of mayhem.
(Insert movie quote "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles)

Splinter: "I made another funny, ha ha ha!"

Well I can't begin at the beginning of the concert without going to the beginning. Soo much gossip, so little time to write it. First of all, I'd like to say a big thank you to a long time friend of mine Mickey who attended last Saturday night's main event.

(Impersonating Al Pacino from the movie "Donnie Brasco)" Hey I want you to meet my friend Mickey, he's a friend of mine. When I introduce him, I'm gonna say, "This is a friend of mine." That means he's a connected guy. Now if I said instead, this is a friend of ours that would mean he's a made guy. A Capiche?

I've known him ever since grade school and we pretty much graduated on up to High School. Luckily enough, we have managed to stay in contact from college on up to present day time. I know not everyone of us is going to stay in contact with at least every single friend from high school. I can guarantee that you will try to stay in contact with ones you shared the most time with.

Last Saturday night's event I saw the success of the meetup from a different perspective. I already knew our music meetup was going to improve from the success of our previous dinner meetup at Bar Abliene. So I knew the right amount of people would show up to make it work last night. However this time I got much satisfaction just seeing this meetup through the eyes of my friend.

When I was a Meetup Organizer from a now defunct group "The TC Singles Friendship Connection. I had brought my friend Mickey one night to a movie meetup featuring "The Departed". We must have had 6 others slated to show up but due to a change in theatre time for the show and given it was a worknight no one showed up. I had struck out with a meetup with my friend.

A few weeks or so later I re-schedule a movie meetup on the weekend this time to go see "Fast Food Nation" at the Lagoon Theatre in Uptown. My friend then gives me a second chance to redeem myself. All I can remember is standing in the lobby holding up our table top "Meetup Signs" pleading for the 8 other participants to come through the door. They never came and we ended up watching the show alone.

So you can imagine how difficult it was trying to get my friend to come again knowing I had a track sheet filled with failed meetup events. However, he manages to give it one more chance thinking "this is your last chance Joe, either produce the desired numbers of guests or you better think of something better to propose to me".

We arrive at the Blue Fox at 7:30 p.m. to avoid the cover charge and obtain a table seat for the group. My idea of the two balloons plus three additional meetup table signs really helped make us stand out from the crowd. Everyone came and everyone really put my friend in a state of euphory.

My friend was so "Thunderstruck" that he could only help but soak up the "Meetup Experience" watching everyone dance and possibly he was singing in his head too kicking back.

(Insert Audio "Thunderstruck" - AC/DC)

"He'd beeeen....THUNDERSTRUCK! YA YA YA THUNDERSTRUCK

I remember driving him back home asking him cheerfully "So Mickey, what do you think of Meetup now?". My friend was convinced that with the 700 of us proud, brave men and women dancing that this was definetly the type of function that he wanted to reschedule his workweek around.

Get this I drop him off at his house and the first question he ask me "So when is the date for the Stella's Dining Event". Now I had asked him prior to the Hairball event about the dining event but he complained about the menu prices. Honestly, I think he was still holding back due to those last meetup failures that I had...what a year ago.

(rests back in his chair "Ferris Bueller style and quotes from the movie) Yeah I won another one over. "Life moves by pretty fast, if you don't stop and look around, you could miss it.

NOW...on to the JUICY EXPLOITS from the "Hairball" slamarama mosh fest.

Hairball re-created the 80s hair and metal rock era. Their group dressed up in different costumes and wigs to recreate the different 80s metal artists from David Lee Roth of Van Halen, Brett Michaels of Poison, Freddie Mercury of Queen, and Dave Evans from AC/DC.

I'm going to run down a few of the key highlights of the night. A small fight had occured but was immediately broken up immediately after it started. After that, our concerns for public safety were put to rest. Although I couldn't say the parking lot pavement was safe, but rather slick. Yeah, a few drunk men and women decided to beat the bathroom traffic and relieve themsevles outside.

The band however, put on a few memorable costumes that are priceless. The first was when they were singing AC/DC's "Big Balls. The lead singer put on this big white stretch costume that covered his entire body. For a minute, I thought he looked a cross between a human napkin or the Pillsbury Doughboy. Well turns out, he dressed up as a fallice

(Insert movie quotes "Austin Powers and The Spy Who Shagged Me")

Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?

Yeah I spare no expense in finding top talent around town. Well during the song whenever the lead singer sang "I've got the biggest balls of them all" he used some sort of air pump that would pump up the suit to look like the fallice head expand and expand.

(Insert movie quote "Grumpier Old Men)

John: So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?

Awww....yeah. Now that we got that out of our system on to the second of our highleet reel. During the evening as they were singing "Eye of The Tiger" (Theme Song from the Motion Picture Rocky III by Survivor), the lead singer came up on stage dressed up in a muscle suit complete with a big black wig, american pinstripe shorts, and big boxing gloves.

My last highlight comes not from the band but from the crowd. I am here to admit we had a Hulk Hogan sighting. There was this guy who appeared to be your image of a sterotypical bodybuilder. This guy had wide arms, chest the size of superman, and giant calves the size of tree trunks. He was all decked out in Hulk Hogan "Hulkamania" 80s apparell. He had a red bandana, red shirt, grey gym shorts, and giant yellow construction boots. His speciality was walking across the bar flexing his muscles back and forth.

I wish I had a boombox available I could have played a tape of "Real American by Rick Derringer"

(Insert Audio The Hulk Hogan Theme Song)

I am a real American
fight for the rights of every man
I am a real American
fight for what's right
fight for your life

Awww...man my friend couldnt have come at a better time. As John Cougar used to sing "A Wild Night is calling" and thats what we got. I felt like I was in a time warp with all the Madonna and Pat Benatar soldiers walking around. Hey its alright because I'm saved by the bell. I should have brought my Bayside Tigers shirt and fake blonde wig.

An incredible 10+ + to the infinity funkmaximus. If you thought this event rocked the house, just imagine what the "Hairball" Halloween event will be like. Yes, seats are still available please act now and RSVP at your nearest Mpls Dining Out/Having Fun outpost.

Until then, we'll have our little cooldown at Stella's Fish Cafe coming up sampling and feasting on some fine seafood. Then its back to the "Boneyard" with a Halloween edition of "Hairball" at Champps in Woodbury for those that missed out last Saturday.

Then on to the superbowl of our meetup events coming in December...a Bar Crawl. We're raising the lever here one month at a time. For those that couldn't come, hope your weekend was pleaseant, and wish you all a good rest of the week. Look forward to seeing you all at our next meetup function.

Joe
Mpls Dining Out/Having Fun Organizer

Instant Messaging & Stupid Men on the Web.

I am often logged onto the Yahoo instant messenger for about 18 out of every 24 hours. I use it to chat with my "boyfriend" during the day and to keep up with my kids. I have few other folks on there there I chat with. I have a couple of friends from a former company and a couple of former tech support folks from a software company that every now and then pop up with a "hi," other than that, I can go for days without a message form someone I know. I wish I could say the same about the messages I get from folks I don't know.

Being a woman with a profile that says I am single gets me all sorts of attention. Sometimes I ignore it and sometimes I play along for a few moments. It really depends on my mood. Even on the days when I "play along" I am irritated by this. I just don't understand why men think that just because a woman is online and logged into an instant messenger that she wants random IM's from guys looking for cyber sex. Can someone answer this question for me?

I thought that for your amusement I would give you a sampling of the kinds of opening lines I get. So, for your enjoyment, here are a few:

This is JCK61384, his Yahoo profile says he is 21 and lives in Southern Minnesota:

jck61384: i love older woman...i saw you were single and was hoping you would give me a chance..just to chat

jenn_a_carlson: Not really interested in someone as young as you or anyone who would say "I love older women"

jck61384: do you want to chat?

jenn_a_carlson: Sorry. No.

jck61384: i have this fantasy of being a boy toy for an older woman..but i'm sure that doesnt interest you?

jenn_a_carlson: You don't interest me.

This is a "Real Man" apparently. The following are messages I received on 3 separate occasions over the course of four months. I am not sure what that means but if you have an idea please let me know.

Random IM from "Real Man" number One:

real man: hey jenn what's up? (***Note: the use of my first name, as though he knows me)

real man: **insert smiley face here

real man: Hello? why not chat with me?

real man: hey what's up?

real man: wana see my cam?

real man: **insert smiley face here

jenn_a_carlson: please leave me alone. I am not interested.

Random IM from "Real Man" number Two:

real man: you like to watch guys masturbate on cam?

jenn_a_carlson: LEAVE ME ALONE.

Random IM from "Real Man" number Three:

real man: what's up?

jenn_a_carlson: what part of leave me alone did you not understand from last time you im'd me?

real man: sorry

real man: just saying hi

Occasionally when I get a random IM I like to look at their profile so I can have something to give them crap about. This guy had nothing. Here is his explanation:

schi0246_2: how are you doing?

jenn_a_carlson: How come you don't have any info on your profile?

schi0246_2: my old profile got hacked and just made this new one

schi0246_2: sohaven't yet gotten to it

schi0246_2: i'm 30 m from minneapolis mn

jenn_a_carlson: I think either we have chatted before or "my profile got hacked" is a common line among men who IM random women on Yahoo.

schi0246_2: i swear its true

schi0246_2: my old id was schi0246 so i added the _@

schi0246_2: _2

schi0246_2: but we haven't chatted before

jenn_a_carlson: Hmmm...well that "hacked" line has been used about a dozen times from other random guys who I have asked why they have not profile info.

schi0246_2: well what would you like to know

jenn_a_carlson: Whatever you want to tell me.

schi0246_2: i'm an open book

jenn_a_carlson: I like books on tape - they do all the work.

schi0246_2: well i'm 30 from minneapolis i work as a chemist , never married and no kids

schi0246_2: lol

schi0246_2: what about you (**Note: My Yahoo personal says my name and in order find out I was online he had to search these, he knows how old I am already.)

schi0246_2: married?

schi0246_2: single?

schi0246_2: what do you do

If there are any men reading this who can shed some light on why men think it is OK to send random messages to women please let me know. I would love to know what the mentality is behind this behavior.

Zombie Pub Crawl!

Photos can also be found via my Flickr account.

Afternoon Antsy Pants

I am antsy! It is making me crazy. I suddenly feel like going running. WTF? I hate exercise. I just have too much energy right now. I am making the folks in my office crazy because this is as far from productive, focused energy as you can get! I want to goof off and disrupt anyone I see actually working.

To make matters worse - it would seem that all of my friends are away from their computers and not answering emails. How dare they make me wait.

I need a plaything, now! *stomping feet with balled up fist*

Shiny Things are my first love.

Today is a beautiful day! It is gorgeous outside and everyone around me seems to be in good mood. I wonder if they truly are in a good mood or if I am rubbing off on them. I hope a bit of both.

My day started off great and is just getting better by the minute. I woke up on time, I didn't need to iron, I drove to work and got here early. I actually had time to buy my cup of coffee on the way to the office instead of going back out for it. I felt so efficient.

The best part of my morning so far has been my drive to work though. I know, this seems odd - rush hour, parking downtown - the usual irritants but trust me it was awesome. I love the way our city skyline looks from the view I have on my drive in. I get on Hiawatha at 32nd Street. Each and every time I make that right turn onto Hiawatha I see a different version of our city. The light quality, the clouds in the sky, the level of the sunrise and the time of year always make it look slightly different.

This morning I caught the skyline at the most perfect moment. The sky was clear and the sun has just finished clearing the horizon. The city was lit up and completely reflective of the sun. The buildings were replaced by pure silver, nothing but shiny. It was absolutely breathtaking. I wanted to stop right there, mid turn, to enjoy it until the effect vanished. I don't have the words to describe just what a wonderful image this was.

Head Lice - is that two words or one?

One of the joys of having children is going through the list of childhood illnesses and checking them off one by one. You do so with little or no real discomfort because you know that most of them occur once and then you are done. Hell these days most of them are cured before they get them as long as you make sure their immunizations are up to date. So, unlike our parents parents we get check off the potential illnesses without giving them much thought.

There is one childhood "illness" that we always hope our child will not get. There is not immunization for this one and short of making them live in a bubble you can't prevent it. HEAD LICE!

Between O and I we have 3 children (I use this term loosely because my kids are 14 and 18). They come and go from their perspective parents houses and stay with us when it is our turn. Well since May we seem to adopted a few additional unwanted kids. These freaking little bugs will not go away. We were pretty sure that O's daughter and my daughter were handing them back and forth over the summer. We finally had a clean bill of health on both of them and quit worrying. Never gave it another thought...

Until about 4 days ago when Fi started itching her head again. We peeked at her scalp and it looked fine. Well tonight was bath night and while doing the "did you wash your hair good enough" inspection O found yet another creepy crawly. It is terrible. Poor Fi is so upset and the rest of us, even though we all seem to be clear of them, are suffering from phantom itching!

I am not sure how I made it through the whole summer without getting them. Sheer luck? Hair dye - the ultimate killer? Too much hair to detect them? I don't know but I am itching from head to toe right now and it is making me crazy! This is the 8th time we have had to do the floor to ceiling clean, bag up the soft toys, wash all the bedding. Ugh! I am so done with them. Someone please make them go away!

Radio Commercials That Inspire Rage

Buick

Recently, due to my inability to drag my ass out of bed in the mornings, I have found myself driving to work more and more. This means I have more exposure to the local radio stations. I typically listen to my iTunes library or some internet station. It also means that not only do I get to feel the slight agitation of driving in downtown during rush hour but I get to sit through the same radio commercials everyday. Mostly I am able to ignore them but there is one that makes me want to rip my radio out of the dash, throw it out the window and drive back and forth over it until it is completely FUBAR.

The Buick Enclave..."Oh Buffy, how could you buy that car, we will have to fire our servants and daddy will cut us out of his will."

Are you fucking kidding me? This is what passes for marketing? Really? I am not sure why this commercial rubs me so wrong but it is absolutely amazing how quickly it gets under my skin. It makes me want to track down the originator and shove an Enclave Luxury Crossover up his or her ass! I really shouldn't have to feel this way this early in the morning!

Oh, and am I crazy or does the Enclave look just like the Hyundai Santa Fe?

Hyundai

Cool Ass Shit!

I would love to take credit for finding this video but it just wasn't me. It was another "Hey Jenn, watch this. You will like it" moment in my house. He was right - I loved it!!

Stupid People.

In an age where we can get updates on things going on all over the world at our fingertips I often wonder how anyone can be ignorant of what is happening around them. I work with a guy who is completely oblivious to everything beyond 4 feet of his face. I guess really he is ignorant of everything not directly related to HIM but I am trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

I mentioned my hatred of British Petroleum (thanks to the education I received from my live in Brit) and how I had a coupon for $.10 off per gallon of gas but was unable to justify using it. I said "Well I have a choice, save $1.20 on a tank of gas or save the Polar bears." His response was "You might want to check your facts, the pipeline is in the Arctic and the Polar bears live in the Antarctic. I think you are confused."

WTF?????? I wonder if I could pay his wife to smother him in his sleep.